What I do know

What I know.

 

I wanted to share a few thoughts on things I know .  I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, and I know he knows my talents, purpose, limits, abilities and opportunities.  I know this because I have faith.  Now, I am not saying that my faith has never been tested, because trust me, it has. There have been times when I catch myself doubting; because things aren’t going my way or I feel like everything is just piling up on my shoulders and I am about to give way.  Now, I don’t tend to doubt this because I truly have questioned it, but more because I just can’t wrap my head around the circumstances at the moment.

They say hind sight is twenty twenty…and I am starting to believe that is true.  Doubt seems to sneak its way in whenever I am desperately trying to grab onto anything to keep my world stable.  What I have come to realize is that it is in those moments when I should grab onto my faith and hold on for the ride (an obvious lesson one might think…I have just had to learn it the hard way).

I can tell you that before my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1, I was much shakier in my faith. It was easier to question it and feel as though I was picked on. It was easier to accept that falsehood than to figure out the reason I was being tested and allowing myself to learn and grow.  I sometimes chose to turn away and become sour. Plain and simple it was easier to allow that to be my truth…it was someone else’s fault, not mine.  I was being punished.

Tides have turned (hindsight) and I realize I was merely being prepped for my journey so that I had the tools to make it through.  Glad I listened and sucked it up at so many pivotal moments because I have benefited from it greatly these days.  I can honestly say that one thing I know for sure is I have been led down this path with an open heart and an open mind.  One thing I know is that no matter how sour, lost, or mad I become, I will never be left alone.

My role as a mother, daughter, friend, and wife has changed; not my choice but by necessity.  When I am tested, I pray. When I am upset, I cry.  When I need, I ask.  When I can’t, I don’t. I don’t always have to be the strong one, but yet for the past 29 years I have thought that it was my role.  I have come to realize that I am not picked on, I am prepped. I am not burdened I am blessed. I am not perfect, I am human and no one expects me to be otherwise.

When you are faced with a tragedy, you seem to either sink or swim… (And yes, to me my daughter having to face Type 1 Diabetes everyday is a tragedy.  I cannot do anything to fix this, stop this or change this.  I am helpless.  It is a mother’s biggest fear.) I would like to think that I am learning to swim. I haven’t remotely mastered this skill, but I am advancing every single day.  I can see it in my life and my relationship with my family. I can see it in my children. I can see it in me. I am trying to change my thinking, my behavior, my actions and my tone.  I cannot afford to be the person I once was.  I don’t have the time or energy for it.  I ask myself what in the heck did I ever do with all the free time I had?  Why did I get lost in so many of the smaller moments?

When I have been down and in the weakest moments of my life, I know that I have been reassured I can do this; that I can get through it.  That alone lets me know that my faith is stronger than any temptation, any obstacle, any moment that I have and will face. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to solely rely on the faith that I have so often turned my back on through this journey, and oddly it has never turned its back on me.  I have never been left behind or forgotten.

Through constant prayer, study and (insert nursing word here) behavioral modification I am trying to mold the ‘me’ that I know I was once meant to be.  How sad that I have so easily gotten caught up in the mindless things of the world and become someone who cheats the real ‘me’ out of so much of the potential I have been blessed with. I know that who I have been and who I want to be are two completely different people.  I know this because every day I wake up and know that I could have been better the day before and want to be better today.

Perhaps Type 1 Diabetes wasn’t the entire curse it feels to be; perhaps it was a wake-up call because all I could hear was only what I wanted to in the past.  I don’t wish this big of a wake-up call on anyone, but I do know that I can do this.  I know that I have not been given more than I can handle. I know this because I have prayed for strength and guidance.  I know that my prayers have been answered because every single day that I wake up, I feel a little bit stronger, rejuvenated no matter how little sleep I get, and like I am never alone…even if it is the tiniest bit of strength I receive, or a surge of energy in the morning or even my family calling me, I received it.

Life can be good if we choose to see the great potentials in even our weakest moments. Life can be good if we learn to accept our own wrong-doings and act in a way that helps us tap into our full potential.  Life can be good if we live it like we love it. I am not there, but I do know that is where I long to be.

I often times tell my children (when they are grumpy for no reason) that they have a choice.  They can choose to be grumpy and make the rest of the day go along with them or choose to be happy and have a better day. And just because they are grumpy and mad doesn’t give them the right to try to deflect that energy onto someone else. I say it so much, they start to roll their eyes before I can even get the second word out…they predict what I say, but it affects them all the same.  They realize they have a choice, and no one is making them act this way. More than 99% of the time they choose to change their attitude in less than 5 minutes.  I guess sometimes we just have to remember we always have that choice.

Today I choose to be better, I choose to live better and I choose to try to progress, no matter how small or slow my progression is.  I choose this because I know that I cannot allow myself to choose otherwise.  My purpose here isn’t just about me.  My purpose here isn’t just about being heard.  My purpose here is to help my children reach their fullest potential…and that mean the world to me; I will change because I need to in order for them to get what they deserve; and they deserve a better me every day.  They give me my strength and they are the answers to so many of my prayers

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2 thoughts on “What I do know

  1. WOW!!! What a wonderful write! Jesica, you amaze me with all you have on your plate and you can still be so positive. Your positive attitude is contageous.Thanks for sharing. It makes me want to do better with my own journey.. ❤ 's and prayers for you and yours. <#

  2. thank you so much. Sometimes I find it odd…that i am essentially ‘journaling’ for everyone to see. But it is so freeing…and great therapy! Nice to let the things out that I have kept inside for so long!

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