Hitting a brick wall this week, weight of the world just smacked me in the face. Wake up call? Perhaps. Reality? Most definitely. Something I have avoided? Absolutely. I knew we were fighting an uphill battle, I knew the reality, just wasn’t aware of our actual place. I wasn’t open to receive where we were.
I try to be upbeat, I try to make sure to always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I try to be vigilant, but I do not catch it all. I know we are not the first to experince this, and hopefully we will not be victims to it. Funny thing is I ‘blogged’ on the subject in broader terms not long ago, and it didn’t quite hit home. I was only able to see it when I was able to step back and away and reflect. Reflection is a good thing. Reflection has a purpose.
After my get away and spiritual ‘re-fuel’ this past weekend, it is clear to me how much I do not know my husband anymore. It is clear to me how much we suffer and sacrifice just to keep going. It is obvious we are so different and our place in this world has changed dramatically without our permission.
Our tactic is to simply conquer and divide in order to survive… something we pay dearly for. It seems like there isn’t time in the day left for anything else.
At some point I have to realize that something has got to give. We are going 90 miles an hour, with no end in sight… and to be honest I am one worn out woman. I try to keep up, I try to do my best, but at what cost? Some nights (well, most nights) I feel like my husband and I are on such different pages we only get to give each other a ‘high 5’ in the hallway in passing.
Our bed times are pretty much at different times (sleeping even different schedules when need be) as someone has to be up late with Kinzie and do the overnight checks (it doesn’t make sense both being completely tired and worn out). We sometimes get to eat dinner at the same time (with great efforts put forth everyday in order to make this goal.) Our morning schedules are not even close to the same. And when I am lucky I see him for 30 minutes at lunch.
I caught myself thinking ‘who is this man who functions without me?’ There was once a day where we didn’t want to/couldn’t function without each other. It is like I woke up and all of a sudden everything we once were had changed.
In the middle of redefining our selves, we didn’t redefine our relationship. We are defiantly stronger individuals since diabetes claimed our territory, but I cannot fully say we are stronger as a couple. We do what needs to be done out of pure necessity…that is it.
My skills are focused on being a mom and nurse…24/7; trying to be good at both those roles so my children do not suffer. I forget that Joey also needs a wife to listen to him, to understand him, to remember him. And I do a terrible job at that, not on purpose, it has just played out that way.
Joey has moved on, trying to find his role in this all. His best friend (me, believe it or not), isn’t available all of the time. My spare time devoted to keeping Kinzie healthy, which leaves Joey in the shadows wondering where he fits in and what his actual role in it all is. He stands back giving me as much space as possible, only because he isn’t sure what else to say or do. Still stuck in a breathless state…since his daughter’s quality of life was compromised, anticipating our next move.
How did we not catch this sooner? Where do we go from here? How do we fix what we can in order to fit our life around its unique needs? Not very many variables in our life are flexible. We have to work, kids have to go to school, we have to treat T1D with everything we possibly can to keep Kinzie healthy and happy, we have to give all our children love and try to balance their needs too, we have to do night checks, and we have to keep on schedule even when life veers from it…we simply have to.
Sometimes I want to scream, even when I know it won’t do me a bit of good. Where was our say in this all? Where was our choice? I guess that is why it is called a trial. Sometimes we don’t get to ask for a do-over or get to have input. Sometimes it is what it is and we only get to choose how we deal with it. There are no instructions; there are no hints or suggestions.
I am so glad that I had my weekend to purely reflect on life with no other responsibilities (wow, one night can really open your eyes!)…because what if it was almost too late? What if we didn’t stop to think about us? What if…? So we now have another thing to add to our list…us. Plain and simple, us. We need to find us, find out how to mold our life around us as much as possible. Find out how to change what we can when we can’t change other things we have no control over. I thought we were finished redefining our life, but truth be told, we only redefined what we needed to in order to survive. Now that we are in the here and now and getting a hang of life…we have to redefine every little thing has been tossed to the side in order to just make it to where we are.
Fun, right? Sometimes putting in the extra effort seems impossible. Sometimes I feel so drained that I do not want another worry on my shoulders…sometimes I just let the devil in a little too much where he disguises the little things and leads me to believe it is okay. Sometimes we need those wake-up calls. Sometimes I am thankful for wake-up calls.
So our journey begins… redefining us; as a couple, as a family, as a cohesive unit working together towards a positive goal. I know we aren’t the first to have to deal with this, so I know it is possible. I know we are strong enough to do it; we just have to know where to start. No more survival skills, now we have to pull out our ‘living’ skills. Not sure where my ‘living’ skills have gone, but I am sure I can find them once more. What terrifies me the most is failing, but I cannot fear failing if I never try. What once seemed like a full plate is now ‘going back for seconds’.