Being that it is Easter…I have been thinking a great deal about the ‘ultimate gift’. Not that I am getting preachy, just some personal thoughts. It gets a tad religious, so do not read if religion offends. I find a great comfort in my beliefs and faith, and feel very pressed upon to share a few fleeting thoughts that pass in and out of my head often for those who feel the same and respect religion as a whole. I am absolutely no expert…and feel that I know on an elementary level. In no way do I even being to think that I will ever know, learn or grow enough to ever be ‘all knowing’ as long as I walk this earth. So for what it is worth this is what I have to say tonight (or this morning…either way you dice it)….
I am thankful to know that my redeemer lives and that he bled and died so we may be forgiven. How crazy is that? How amazing is that!? Just even thinking about giving my only ‘begotten son’ so that others may live just brings goose bumps all across my body. I am not sure I could have that kind of courage, dedication, love, bravery…I mean I doubt my own abilities, I doubt my own worth at times and often think that someone else can/will be better.
I think about the heartache that can come with having a child with a chronic illness and how much pain it can bring to me. I cannot even begin to imagine how much just my daily sins bring pain to God. What an amazing sacrifice he gave for me…Jesica.
I can only imagine, as I do with my own children, the hopes He holds in his heart for each and every one of us. He had enough faith in his son and in us to do such a hard thing. We all, every single one, mattered enough…we were worth it. (need to remind myself of that…and often).
I thrive off of my religion and I get much needed strength and guidance from my faith and church. I could not even imagine walking this road without it. I could not even fathom doing this alone. I couldn’t.
Upon diagnosis, I was bitter. I was in denial. I was sad. I wanted a miracle, I asked for a miracle; and indeed, I have received many since. I have learned that I may not receive what I ask for, but retrospect I will have been given what I needed.
For example, I pray every single night to keep Kinzie safe, me in tune, and guide us until morning. Just the other night Kinzie was battling a high. We had been up (doing site change, extra dose via syringe, etc) and wanted to go to bed after 12 a.m. (I think). Insulin on board is what insulin is in your body working. So I cannot just send Kinzie to bed with insulin on board…never know if it will for sure over or under correct or be spot on. Vigilance is key; we are only using intuition and great educated guesses. If only our pancreas would write a book for us before it decides to break down, right?
Anyway, that night, she and I were completely tired, worn out and had enough. We decided to try to sleep and I set my alarm to check in 1 ½ hours x2 until IOB (insulin on board) was 0. First wake up call…she was high, correcting nicely, IOB still, on target to where we wanted her to be…so alarm set for1 ½ hours later. I slept that alarm. I just sat straight up in bed 2 hours later just saying “Kinzie!” as I came to. I ran to her room praying and pleading…phew…still breathing. Check her BG and it was 220 (boo!), which didn’t make sense. Then 2 seconds later her pump alarms (as it does anytime something goes wrong and it usually wakes me, but not this night). Her pump was out of insulin, so she had not received ANY basal rate for at least 2 ½ hours. (The last time that happened was when her infusion set became unhooked from costume change at her last dance competition; she was at 540….NEVER that high before. Glad we caught she was unhooked).
So the mystery as to why she was so low considering is simple…no basal rate, however, she was overcorrecting and quickly. Had it not been for the cartridge being empty and her not receiving any basal rate, or me sleeping though my alarm clock and the alarming pump, I am beyond positive that she would have bottomed out and I would have woken to a worse case scenario. I do not doubt for one minute that we were being watched over and protected. A simple mistake that I normally would have been so upset at myself over and continually beaten myself up over, turned out to be one of the greatest miracles I have ever experienced in my life. I matter too…my Heavenly Father watches over me too. I know this for a fact. I also know and feel that we do not face this alone and never will. I know that I have someone always pulling for us and letting us witness simple miracles throughout our journey to help strengthen us and keep us going. I not only know this, but I feel this. We were protected in one of the greatest ways possible…it was in full force at our house that night.
I pray for a cure everyday (along with a great and many things…but realizing and allowing it to be God’s will). Will she witness a cure? I pray she does…but if not in this lifetime, I know that one day her body will be in perfect functioning form; I believe this with all my heart and soul, deep down into the core of my being. And on that day, I will rejoice for a job well done and a trial defeated. I will see my daughter rewarded for gracefully facing her trials and doing what is asked of her if she continues to live righteously. I know this to be true without a single doubt.
As a parent to a T1D, I fear the ‘experimenting’ age. Her body deserves (as does any body) to be treated with respect…as a temple. I fear the consequences drugs and alcohol can have on her body as it already faces a great feat especially if it isn’t taken care of. I know that I cannot expect her to remain strong and never waiving from stance if I do not lead by example.
I know that what I do and do not do on a great and many levels will directly be a reflection of my works and efforts; this isn’t just her trial. That pressure alone, with children who are healthy, is tremendous tasks…add a chronic illness to a child and it adds just that much more weight. I cannot afford not to try my best…her life can literally depend on my growth and daily actions.
Every single day I strive to be and do better…and daily I am presented with many chances to do so (or not do so).
Miracles happen on all levels, every prayer counts…and just because we don’t get our way, it doesn’t mean that we are not important enough. It just means that perhaps it isn’t the right time or circumstance for us. We have a journey to do here. There is a purpose to our being. Free agency is a great thing, it is a gift. We can choose to act/not act upon many things. We are not forced to act or do anything. I am not a God fearing woman…I am a God loving woman, mother and wife. With God, all things are possible…it just depends on the right timing.
As impatient of a person as I am, I still know that one day all of my prayers and promises will be fulfilled if I only do my job. I draw power from that.