It has been a long time since I have had any time to sit down and write about anything. Life has been anything but calm…but that is alright by me, it just means I have a lot in my life that matters!
I have been getting little sleep in the way of nights…as type 1 would have it, we keep getting thrown odd low numbers in the night for no reason or rhyme (which means Kinzie doesn’t get much sleep…and kids need sleep). I feel so bad about that, and struggle with the fact that I absolutely cannot change, fix or solve type 1 diabetes.
In less than two weeks we have experienced 3 different occasions that have made me so thankful for promptings and guidance. I have come to realize more than ever before that when I fail, or circumstances are beyond my control, we are most definitely watched over and prayers are answered.
Our first experience happened one night and I posted about it on my facebook April 6th
“430 am and what was I doing? That’s right, pump infusion set change. I slept through one alarm and didn’t wake until two hours later (my D mommas, when you are sleep deprived, after a few hard weeks, what do you do to ensure you don’t sleep through it or turn the alarm off in your sleep and continue to snooze?). So I got up and Kinz is a bit elevated 220 ( normally I hate those numbers). Not the end of the world. Stayed up until midnight and dosed for a large high right before bed (scheduled to wake 2 times to make sure she doesn’t go low and corrects.) I am thankful something shot me right out of bed. Divine Intervention? I would like to think so. See, her cartridge was out (no insulin in the pump, so no basal rate going) like an idiot I thought about sleep and skipped that important step at bedtime….just checked BG final time, dosed and melted into bed. The pump alarms when it’s low, but I never heard it and was focused on my bed. So I run to her room praying she didn’t go low from my complete neglect. 220, thank God…seriously. Times like that I welcome a 220. I am pretty sure given her correction factor, her BG now and her basal rate, she would have been low after her last correction (all her signs now point to that). So I am thankful her pump ran out of insulin and she didn’t get 2 or more hours of basal. Funny how we are definitely watched over and how, out of pure exhaustion, our small mistakes that can be detrimental work out like a blessing in disguise.”
I was completely overwhelmed after that night, exhausted, but so thankful. It opened my eyes, scared me a bit more…but left me thanking my Heavenly Father, once more, for waking up to a living, breathing, healthy daughter.
I was up one night cleaning (yes, cleaning…sometimes it is the only time I can when things get chaotic)…and I posted this entry on my facebook…”Up cleaning house in between night checks, because, sadly this has been the ONLY time/energy I have put into our house all week. Insert EPIC mom and wife failure moment here. As I am cleaning, I am thinking about a few things. Mainly, trials. (of course). I know that we will NEVER be given more than we can handle. How do I know this? Because I live it daily. Just when I think I cannot handle more…I am given more to prove my strength. When I am about to burst I get thrown tender mercies which graciously lift me up and carry me until I recover. I have a bad day then two good days. I experience simple miracles and receive great blessings at precise timings. I am thrown curve balls which make me realize I can do this, I am resilient. I know this all to be true, I know my Heavenly Father knows me, my limits, my capabilities, my hopes, my needs, and what is best for me. When I am feeling defeated I am able to witness someone else’s trials that extend far beyond mine so that I can be assured that every one experiences trials at different levels, and in the moment I am fortunate enough to wake up, take a deep breath in…and be thankful that I have one more day with my daughter. One more trial to say I was able to over come. I know that one day, some day; I can look back and understand more about what we are going through. I am thankful that i have been given the knowledge and listened to so many promptings in my life. I cannot imagine doing this alone or without my faith.
I can ask why me all day long, but may never really be given that answer. So instead of why me…I am going to think why not me? Why would I ever think I was above such trials? Why would I ever think that trials only happen to other people? I agreed/chose this test, I knew it was going to be hard…I knew it at one point and believed I could…so I know it is all possible. I may not know why, but I can focus on ‘I can’. I have this trial so I can….raise awareness, be humbled, love unconditionally, learn to receive, be humbled even more, be glad, overcome, step outside of my comfort, be heard, create a movement, advocate, love deeper, be thankful, learn to live, learn to trust, learn to communicate, re-invest in family, be humbled again, witness miracles, gain faith far beyond what I ever thought possible, learn to share, experience emotions, learn to cry, empathize, compromise, and love my journey as an all inclusive package.”
And wouldn’t you know, shortly after, I just had this overwhelming sense to go check Kinzie, even though there wasn’t a reason, her BG previously was fine and wasn’t ‘due’ for another check for over an hour…
“Starting this Sunday off right thankful prompting #1 for the day…1:10 a.m. still not in bed, up cleaning. I get the urge to check Kinzie (who isn’t due for another check for at least a good hour and fifteen minutes). 49. Recheck (hoping for false reading…42). (oh, where is our dog!?…soon, soon…it will join us). prior to this check we had a check of 120 with 9 carbs on board undosed and a -10 % decrease of basal since we had a pretty exciting day, and then another check at 140 (perfect)…this check was only about an hour ago. So in less than an hour she has plummeted, 1/2 can soda and a handful of peanuts and 15 minutes later 39. So gave her the other half can of soda and anxiously awaiting our recheck in 15 minutes….with glucagon kit out in eye sight.”
On another occasion, hubby woke up and in complete confusion (from being up all night with Kinzie checking because I was scared from random highs and lows that have been unpredictable and no notable trends showing) I mumbled for him to go check Kinzie and was panicked like I had missed a check or slept through an alarm. My heart was in my throat. And just as he left the room, I realized I had just crawled in bed about 45 minutes prior to his waking and already had checked her, her numbers were good. Sad thing is I was way too lazy and tired to tell him, so I let him check her. Good thing, once again, 50, for no reason or rhyme again. Thank goodness in stupor of sleeplessness, my sheer panic and jumbled thoughts meant we caught a low that Kinzie (like always) wasn’t waking up to. Puberty isn’t very nice to T1Ders and throws many curve balls towards us daily.
When we catch Kinzie with ‘low-lows’ at night, she is always harder to wake and more confused when she comes to. She has never had any low, no matter how low, wake her up. That frightens me. 70s, 60s, 50s, 40s, and even been thrown a handful of 30s. I hate that. One night, she was so confused, in between two nights we were fighting lows…and the stinker wouldn’t wake up enough to comprehend what was going on it was quite funny and thought I would repost this. She actually does this a lot, and everytime afterwards I am laughing just thinking about it. We share many moments in the night that otherwise, we might miss out on. I am thankful for (since we have it and cannot change it) Type 1 Diabetes, it opens my eyes daily.
“Really not a fan of Kinzie half asleep acting like a fool! Went in her room, she sat up. Thought she was awake. Handed her the glucometer and told her to check…my mistake…she interpreted that to mean take everything from the pouch and empty it in random places, poke your finger, hide the lancet, then wipe the blood on you blanket and stare off into space confused as to why the glucometer didn’t give you a blood glucose reading. Oy! Try finding all the items from the glucometer pouch in an unfinished room (she just moved into her room) in the dark, guessing where items landed. Not as easy as one would think. It took 45 minutes I will never get back ;0/ ”
Needless to say, this month has brought several moments that I am thankful for, several moments that make me feel human, and several moments I can only credit my Heavenly Father and tender mercies for. I am in deed a lucky woman and my faith once more strengthened.
Experiencing several months of fighting highs and lows with no real trends makes me want our Diabetic Alert Dog (D.A.D) even more. I cannot wait for that day and that extra help; it is very much needed in this home. Getting a D.A.D is an answer to our prayers; it will be one more tool to help keep our daughter safe and as healthy as possible. We are anxiously awaiting this new arrival to our family as if it were a baby we are expecting. I cannot put into words the excitement, anticipation and sense of relief we are experiencing. It is like I am holding my breath once more and working off of sheer intuition these days (or is it exhaustion?) either way, our days are numbered until we get our furry little family member that will forever change our daughter’s life. How amazing is that?!
We are so very close to having all the money toward our D.A.D…waiting on our eBay items to close and then we will have the cost of the dog and only have to raise our care package and our annual health, theft, and death insurance for it (so at the most about $900 left to raise, but less than that once our golf clubs sale that were donated to us). All in less than 2 months, you have made this possible. I stand amazed every single day. Much love sent out to you, you all have made that possible. I cry just thinking about how far we have come, the support we have received, the wonderful thoughtfulness and amazing people who continually lift us up, even through their own trials. I have experienced a true charity the past year and a half, more than I ever thought possible. I have been blessed to have my children be able to witness such acts.
So in honor of true charity and honor of my daughter, I signed my family up for the Walk to Cure Diabetes and created our team “Kinzie’s Krusaders” we will be raising funds that go to JDRF to support T1D research. I will walk to honor my daughter. I will walk to honor all other T1D and their families who experience the same trials. I will walk to support a greater cause. I will walk to raise awareness. I will walk to keep hope alive. I will walk to help find a cure. I will walk, because, if I do not how will we ever win this fight? With great hope in my heart and and a cure in my prayers, I am anticipating this new adventure. We are all so stoked about it, I have been told it is the most amazing experience. I want my children see us supporting great causes and not just raising money for our D.A.D. or sports. It doesn’t take place until November, but I am already gearing up!