Dear Dumb Pancreas and Hormones…you suck…that is all!

Hormones and puberty= reeking havoc on a T1D body. As if T1D wasn’t hard enough to predict and anticipate, add hormones/puberty to the mix and welcome to hell.  I thought we had it under control.  Then ends the honeymoon phase…and then enters hormones only months later.  I only had a ‘break’.

We are lucky enough to keep most things at bay when it comes to T1D; in fact, we do quite well considering all of the stories that I have heard. Even with crazy numbers, we are able to fly by the seat of our pants and take control on our own with no major medical interventions and no major damage done so far. But we do it at a constant cost…sleep, time, focus, and energy.

Everything, and I mean everything, is worth it.  There isn’t anything on the face of this earth that I wouldn’t do in order to give Kinzie the very best chance in the entire world.

Hormones just pretty much are the trickiest little buggers out there.  As if they aren’t hell on just any teenager…add a chronic illness to the mix and you got yourself a whole lotta fun! (Insert sarcasm here). I swear some days it is as if we are injecting plain water…and other days it is as if insulin works double time with no notable trend showing. No reason or rhyme to the highs and lows. Guess that is why I must consider our selves lucky to experience the ‘new world’ of Type 1 Diabetes pre-hormones.  I guess that can be the silver lining of it all for us…timing.

A few months ago (December-ish) we were hit with the most crazy highs and then again February requiring the craziest jump in basal rate, insulin:carb ratios, and ISF (insulin sensitivity factor). And it is still slowly increasing.  But now, we get hit with random lows.  Low-lows.  30s, for no good reason other than it can, so it will.  Nights have become more stressful than ever…and I completely dread them with all that I have. Numerous times when I check her she is crazy low, only minutes after a great check (gee, thanks hormones and pancreas for completely sucking!) And she NEVER wakes up with lows, never…and as time goes by, she isn’t recognizing lows and highs like she use to unless there is a dramatic change within minutes. I absolutely cannot wait until our life saver, our blessing; our furry friend is here to help us out.

Previous to hormones entering our life in one fell swoop, I thought I wanted to get Kinzie a diabetic alert dog closer to college years…now I am most definitely singing another tune…WE NEED IT NOW! I am thankful for (Dan) at Warren Retrievers who stressed how now the most opportune time…boy was he right! Thanks for the heads up Dan; once again, you were completely right!

At Kinzie’s recent competition, we couldn’t get a stinking BG before she went on stage…we did multiple sticks to no avail.  So I did what any other paranoid mother of a T1D would…Treat it like a low.  Thank goodness I did, as she dropped a good 60 points (that’s what I call it…points.  Nope, not weight watchers…speaking of blood glucose) in less than 20 minutes.  Good low mom, good low! (haha!) (I dream of having our D.A.D with us next season…I cannot imagine the peace of mind it will give me on such occasions.) And again, it happened when her routines were nearly back to back and we didn’t have time to check her again.  Treated like it were a low; again, good catch.  She was low.  (Sometimes I feel like the diabetic alert dog…with so many promptings to check her BG for no good reason other than having a ‘feeling’).  The entire competition weekend it continued to happen.  Swimming, I pulled her out, and she couldn’t even hold her hand still enough to put her blood on the strip but didn’t even feel it while she was swimming (and not for a long time to add).  Frustrating to say the least…makes me wonder and worry ‘what if’…’what if I do not get that feeling, what if I do not check at the right time (as catching a fall and rise in action can be tricky as it can happen in a matter of minutes/seconds).  What if I am ever too late?’  I can honestly say I hate the what-ifs that plague me in my life.  They scare me beyond what any mother should ever have to be scared…and yet they are a stark reality of what we face on a daily basis.  I count my blessings every day, and my promptings, and my ‘catches’, and my feelings…for now, they will have to do until we have our diabetic alert dog and until a cure if found.

As times goes on and we experience the wonderful un-predicting world of type 1, I am brought to the reality how harsh and challenging this disease really is. How tough our battle will get and how many road blocks are waiting for us.

I catch myself thinking about the future.  Where will she go to college, will she be safe? When she is driving, not only do I worry like every other mother, but I get to add T1D to the plate and pray that she tests before she gets behind the wheel and will always feel the need to pull over.  Will she continue to surround herself with the most amazing friends?  Will she continue to stand up for what is right, at any cost? Will she continue to be strong? Will she be healthy enough to have children? Will she marry a man who will/can take care of her?  Will she resent this disease and completely rebel and hurt her body out of pure ignorance and anger?  When I cannot be there, who will?  The future scares me beyond words…I anticipate it and hope it will be good, but fears continue to linger in the background.  Fears do hold me prisoner.

Often times I put a smile on my face, with a can-do attitude…because if I don’t I just may break.  When I talk to people about type 1 and our story, I share it with complete passion, I cannot help it. It is our life, it means life, it is our fears all rolled up into one. I nearly break down when I do share, because when fears leave my mouth transformed into words, it brings it all too close to home.  It makes me fully embrace what we are facing.  That can be tough, it is hard and sometimes I cannot help but break down.  Sometimes I cannot be as strong as I would like…sometimes it scares me senseless, but I know that I am not alone.  I know I carry the same burden that many women carry.  I know the road I walk may be quite unknown, but it is possible to fight and continue on our way.

Today was one of those kinds of days (crazy busy, cranky baby, crazy toddler, independent Kinzie wanting me to back off, and Jared and his ‘I know(s) before I even get my thoughts out)…and I wanted to scream at so many moments. At the same time, I thought, thank goodness I get to experience this.  Thank goodness that this is my life, thank goodness that, even though what we go through isn’t easy…thank goodness we get to go through it.  It means we are still here, still together and haven’t given up.  Today was the kind of day where the house wasn’t picked up, dinner was late, running around all day, I was on edge, and everything that could get in the way did…but again, it felt good in the strangest way.

Ever been held prisoner by fears no matter how much you protest to them? Ever think about the future with great anticipation and angst? Ever wonder if what you do will continue to be good enough? Ever wonder if your actions will be too late?  I try to welcome the future with open arms, and most the time I succeed with this.  But days like today it scares me and I cannot deny it.  Days like today I hate the thought of leaving our familiar and venturing out into an unknown land once again.  Does it get harder? Will it get harder?  Will we continue to be the lucky ones?  Can we do this?  Am I doing all that I can?

Plagued again tonight with so many questions swimming about in my head, questions I would rather gather together and light on fire than think about them for another second. I cannot control them, so why do they get to stalk me like a swarm of bees waiting for me to take the wrong step?

In the end, through it all, I need to end with a big “you are mean hormones!” and “You suck, Pancreas!” and know that I am indeed a very blessed woman with the tools I have been provided with and support that has amazingly surrounded our family since diagnosis.  Along with the bad, fears, and fits…I must remember that good always trumps.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Dumb Pancreas and Hormones…you suck…that is all!

  1. My guy is nine! Is it hormone time? 2nights ago we upped his night time basal by .1u/hour cuz he was in the 2 and 300s overnight. Now he is even higher!

    • Pretty sure he just may be gearing up for puberty…probably not quite (but the age range caries so stinking much). I have found it pretty normal to increase that much in the beginning (newer to pumping, right?). I just love the pump! I calls ours a girl…she is quite amazing! Yes, chasing highs can be so aggrevating. Try to do a 10% increase about 2 hours before you notice him rising for an additional 3 hours. So if you notice him trending high around say 5 pm, then at 3 or 4 start a 10% increase for 3-4 hours…see how that looks. i use temp basal increases to see what changes will do before I make the change completely; and then from there i can look and see what more tweaking needs to be done. Temp basal increases are like our best friend with changing any settings and sports. Oh how i love our little ping!

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