We all have selfish moments, more than I am sure we would like to admit. Today I had quite a few. They are not amongst my most shining proud moments, but I guess I have to claim them as well as all the other moments that help build me up to who I am (or knock me down a notch or two).
The past month(s) we have experienced lows, extreme lows, (like emergency glucagon kit out and ready, waiting) bad days, high days, worse days and a few that were better in between. We have witnessed miracles, promptings, and trials. But through it all we continued on, we kept going, as if there were no other choice. We did this simply because there isn’t. Giving up? What the heck is that?
So enter today, (past day and a half actually) and we are greeted with extreme highs, with no changes in life style…nothing to tip it over besides the rule of diabetes…it is unpredictable because it can be. Already increased basal, increased ISF, temporary basal 20%, I:C ratio increase, extra sight changes, extra dosing, push fluids, monitor more…more exercise without carb loading or basal decreases to combat the lows we meet…and yet nothing. It isn’t making a dent in the highs.
Times like this and I get caught up in my thoughts. I get lost in the ‘what ifs’ and just cannot help but do that. 400, 430, 467, (mind you, we rarely meet 300s, let alone 400…we correct instantly/increase activity and push fluids at 121). Extreme? Whatever it takes to stay on top, whatever it takes to keep it all at bay, whatever it takes to save a kidney, nerves, blood vessels, a heart…A LIFE. This is my job, how good I am at it now helps Kinzie as an adult and helps her have a better fighting chance at a good healthy life on her own. At all costs, what ever it takes. Sometimes being armed with a lot of knowledge can work against you, sometimes it can plague you. I am thankful I know what I know…but being naive just for a break…sometimes that doesn’t sound so bad.
Sometimes I wonder if God is seeing this. Every second, every day, every number, every worry, every thought, every deed, every tear, every fear…. “Are you there God? Do you know I hate seeing these numbers? Do you know the extreme highs and lows scare me, even if I cannot show it on the outside? Do you know that the extreme fluctuations are what cause damage within my daughter’s body?” “It’s me, Jesica. I want to make sure you know I think it is unfair having to watch this, unfair having to witness my own daughter fight and not being able to take it from her, it overwhelms me…you have filled my plate to it’s fullest. Why! Why?” “I have been faithful, prayerful, loving, caring, hopeful, fighting…” “Can you hear me? Right now, can you hear me?”
And then, in those exact moments when I begin to wonder, question, plead…I realize that this is a trial that we live with that has no cure in sight, there is no miracle to fix it, there is no magic pill, magic prayer, magic anything. It is life, given to us as is. We get to do with it what we can, when we can. How we face it is how we are tested and judged. Just because we go through this, doesn’t mean we are not loved. Just because these thoughts enter my mind, doesn’t mean I am bitter or losing faith. It means we are human. I have many human moments every single day.
I can honestly say that some mornings, after rough, rough, rough scary nights…I wake and just watch Kinzie sleep; watch her breathing before I wake her. In those moments I experience complete peace. There has never been a greater sight on earth than waking up to be able to watch my daughter breathe…at ease, at peace, still going strong. It is like getting a gift every single day, the gift of life, the gift to fight, the gift to go on, the gift to raise awareness, the gift to be thankful once more for what I have been given; not worrying about what I have to face.
So instead of my “Are you there God?” moments…I really, really, really want to replace them with “You know what you are doing, God, please continue to guide me. Please do not give up on me” type moments. They are better suited for a battle, a journey, a trial.
As selfish as my thoughts get, as selfish as I am thinking I am being overlooked, overloaded, or delt an unfair hand…I am simply reminded to continue on.
Ever experience moments like this? Ever wonder who else, in that exact moment, is having one too? I do. I can only imagine the pleading, praying, crying, rejoicing that takes place during the exact moments mine do. I can only imagine the pain and suffering going on while I am stuck in a rough patch. I can only imagine who needs grace, love, and uplifting more than I do, because I have been put in a place around various people to keep me going, to keep watch, to pray, plead, love and help us for a purpose…because when others have greater needs somewhere else I am safe where I am…I am safe to carry on. Timing and placement have a lot to do with everything. I wonder how many times He is saying…”Are you there, Jesica? Did you notice what I have done for you? Do you remember my plan? Do you remember I will not let you walk alone? Do you remember? It’s me, God.”
It’s going to be a long night, possibly a long day…full of checks, changes, worries. But, we can do it, like we have in the past. We can get it done, we can continue. Do I think I have just been ‘lucky’ to have the support and receive what funds we have for our D.A.D??? Absolutely not, this whole thing has been inspired, directed, guided…it has all been done through divine intervention, timing and design. It is a miracle all in its own way. With the little we have left to raise, I know that it is completely possible, I know that we are getting another greatly inspired ‘tool’ to help us keep watch…all becuase of where we are and who surrounds us. I know this, so how come it is so easy to forget, over look or push aside?