One thing to improve…Wednesday.
Oy! Where do I start? One thing?! Impossible! I can give you an ongoing list. One thing perhaps is my controlling…but then I struggle wanting to completely change it all the way because it keeps us going. Our personalities here…if I do not take control, we wouldn’t have the structure or guidelines we do to fight this disease. So maybe I want to tweak it, a bit…see controlling part already taking control of that thought!
I feel like a failure, often, when it comes to spending quality time with everyone around me not consumed in T1D….my children (Kinz, Jer, Chlo, Mason), my husband, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, my parents, my friends. Let’s face it, T1D does guide and consume much of my thoughts, deeds, actions…it is a constant struggle to know how to balance just that and know the needs of everyone all around me are being met. I am a pancreas, this is my job, what I do/don’t do now can and will affect Kinzie in her future (and that can swing both ways). But in the midst of it all, I carry a guilt that those around me who I love do not get all of me that they so deserve and vice-versa.
I wish I could let lose a little more, but I find it hard. It has become harder, especially after our scare (which I like to dramatically call our ‘Steel Magnolias’ moment in my head). I find myself pulling back a bit, wanting to be in the shadows where ever Kinzie goes (even if she is in good hands), high alert once more. But I guess that is human nature, and finding a new comfort zone after reality really hit our family (extended and immediate)…it is a new phase with new tactics; time will help me morph into my role as I go.
I think that sometimes I suck at time management. I absolutely hate, hate, hate being late…but that seems to come with the territory. Plans I make can and have changed last minute…nature of this disease (then add toddler and baby to the mix and BAM! instant time bomb to being late in various of ways). Remaining flexible is a demand. So being late has become our norm on several occasions and it absolutely drives me nuts!!! I like to be 15 minutes early rather than 1 second late. I would love to find that once more, and think that sometimes I just don’t know where to start.
I think I could improve on my tolerance. As tolerant as I would like to be, I must admit that ignorance can get the better part of me. Sometimes I get sick of hearing people say ‘you can’t have sugar’, or ‘hope she out grows T1D’, or ‘When will it get stable?’ Seeing as how she has a dead organ, we cannot out grow it, nor can we do as well as a pancreas can when it comes to regulating blood glucose and her body’s ever-changing needs (stable, what is that?)…and sugar-free, well that phrase can suck my big toe. I hate how comments like that just roll off my back the majority of the time but then some days it makes me want to stand up on my soap box once again, and educate every single person around me on T1D and just really let them know how ignorant I think they are and how un-empathetic their comments are. Hey, I have made progress as a few years ago; those people may have walked away with a black eye and bruised ego! So thank goodness for small strides I suppose.
Sometimes T1D and make the negatives so over-whelming blaring…like huge neon signs you would see in Vegas; it can be so hard to ignore them. My faults, weaknesses, and to-do lists seem to plague me. I want so bad to be better than I am, but find it hard to have any time to solve/fix them or ever feel like a success when it comes to them. I always seem to have something in the back of my head telling me I am not good enough or I can do better. Sometimes when I can’t be in two places at one time…it just sucks. Type 1 Diabetes doesn’t have to be a defining characteristic, but it absolutely has to be a priority in this house (it really does mean life or death).
I don’t want someone to walk away from this post feeling oober negative, as I would have to add that to my list, and as you can see, I do not need help in that department. This topic just brings that tone…and reality here. I do need to take time to stress, that along with these negatives that seem to follow me wherever I may go, there are just as many positives we celebrate. All the small stuff counts too. And posting this, I do not want pity, I am being honest and open…trying to paint our story as it is. With my challenges come many blessing and many chances to increase a talent, passion or an opportunity to work on items that plague me. My life isn’t this deep, dark, black hole of despair. It has light, laughter, love, support, and hope in it too, more often than not. I do lead a very blessed life surrounded by amazing people and amazing examples every day.