Who am I and how did I get here?

Ever wake up one day and feel completely numb, powerless and very much in a life/death struggle?

I believe I am in the midst of a battle just like that now.  I feel weak, tired, bitter, angry and powerless.  I don’t like it. I like control, I like strength, I like certainty, I like progression.  All those things I ‘like’ are absent from my life at this exact moment…it’s true.  I cannot seem to find any shard of the old ‘me’ lingering around.  She seems like such a stranger.

I read some of my old blog posts, and catch myself wondering ‘who the heck is that woman?’ I don’t even remember being so full of conviction and wonder how the heck I was so strong?

I long for that.

I exist only to exist…I am numb, tired and aching for that comfort I once felt.  Life is uncertain, life is unpredictable…and a year ago I sure didn’t expect to be where I am today.  Odd…because back then I was sure I would be some where even greater.

How crazy.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not in this deep depression, feeling only darkness.  I am just ‘lost’…I have just lost my essence of strength for the time being, and that is completely normal, I know this.  But I do feel powerless right now.

I look around and think is this really me?  Is this how I am going to be? Worn down, tired, scared, bitter (but hopeful)?  How did I get here?

I know I navigated through many circumstances to get to this exact spot.  I also know I am meant to be in this exact spot for some reason, but it doesn’t make it any less painless.  Knowing this doesn’t make right now okay.  I can never be ‘okay’ with my right now and what we are facing.

*sigh*

deep breath.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  My husband, my kids, Elvis the most amazing D.A.D, life in general, many small blessings, good friends…there is a lot out there.  And trust me, I am beyond thankful for it…but being thankful for those small things doesn’t help the bitterness fade (just yet).

I don’t like what we are facing.  I don’t like not having answers.  I don’t like seeing my daughter struggle and her ability to even feel safe start to vanish only moments after feeling freedom from the world.  It isn’t fair.  I am complaining…It isn’t fair! I have wondered ‘why her’ so much lately it is unreal.  Really, WHY HER?  Why do we have to be facing a rare mystery? Why do we have to worry about massive crashes into hypoglycemic crisis without warning, why us?!?!  WHY can’t I take it from her?

I have talked about nights holding me prisoner in the past…multiply that by one million and you might get the idea of my fears right now.  What would I ever do without Elvis right now watching over her literally day and night??? What if he wasn’t in our home?  what if???

Why do my other children have to see this epic fight?  Why does Jared have to feel scared for his sister pretending to put on a brave front?  Why does he deserve this added pressure? Why should he feel obligated to be his sister’s keeper, that is massive responsibility for such a young boy.  Breaks my heart.

My heart is beyond shattered.  I am desperately trying to pick those pieces up but I feel like every time I gather them they fly out of my hands.  I am endlessly trying to catch each shard before it shatters into a million other pieces.  I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like this spot.  I don’t like our choices right now.  I don’t like watching people go through this.   I don’t like not having control.  I don’t like not being able to somewhat ‘plan’.  I don’t like this one bit…I HATE it.  I hate pretending like it is all okay, because right now, it doesn’t feel okay.  I am not okay with this hand we have been given.  It feels impossible…the ultimate test of faith is watching such a struggle and even just remotely entertaining the slightest sliver of faith.

Strength, where have you gone?

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3 thoughts on “Who am I and how did I get here?

  1. I’m sorry you’re having such a bad d-time. D is a total turd.

    You do sound depressed from my armchair therapy office–or maybe even PTSD from that terrible hypo night.

    It can’t keep going this way. It will get better. You are a nurse–wouldn’t you advise a patient with the feelings you describe to ask for help?

    You deserve to feel better! There’s no extra credit for toughing it out.

  2. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel all of this stuff, especially about the burdens we are forced to carry. I hope that venting it out helped, at least a little. Hang in there…

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